The Art of Appraisal - Very Funny

The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err. ..uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

source : fun and fun only mail group

Questions for Managers - very Funny

1. ராத்திரி 10 மணிக்கு கூட எங்களுக்கு பர்சனல் ஒர்க் வரக்கூடாதுனு எதிர்பார்க்கறீங்க… ஆனா சாயந்திரம் 5 மணி ஆனவுடனே உங்களுக்கு மட்டும் எப்படி பர்சனல் ஒர்க் வந்துடுது…?

2. அது எப்படி நாங்க சொல்லி உங்களுக்கு ஏதாவது புரியலைனா Dont make it too complicatedனு சொல்றீங்க… ஆனா நீங்க சொல்லி எங்களுக்கு புரியலைனா He is Dumbனு சொல்றீங்க..?

3. அது எப்படி Week end எங்களுக்கு வேலை கொடுத்துட்டு சனிக்கிழமை நீங்க வீட்டுக்கு கிளம்பும் போது Happy Weekend னு கூச்சப்படாம சொல்லிட்டு போக முடியுது..?

4. அது எப்படி உங்களுக்கு ஒரு அப்ளிகேஷன் சரியா வேலை செய்யலைனா, அப்ளிகேஷன்ல பிரச்சனைனு சொல்றீங்க… அதே எங்களுக்கு வேலை செய்யலைனா, உனக்கு அப்ளிகேஷன் தெரியலைனு சொல்றீங்க..?

5. ஏதாவது நல்ல நாள் வந்தா ஏதோ உங்க வீட்ல மட்டும் விசேஷம் மாதிரி எல்லா வேலையையும் எங்க தலைல கட்றீங்களே. ஏன் எங்க வீட்லயும் விசேஷம் இருக்கும்னு உங்களுக்கு தெரிய மாட்டீங்குது..? நாங்க என்ன டெஸ்ட் ட்யூப் பேபியா…

6. உங்களுக்கு ஊதிய உயர்வு வரலைனா மட்டும் கம்பெனி ரொம்ப மோசமாகுதுனு சொல்ற நீங்க, எங்களுக்காக மட்டும் பேச மாட்றீங்க…?

7. ஏதாவது ஒரு முக்கியமான மெயில் அனுப்ப நீங்க மறந்தா மட்டும், I was very busy in some other issueனு சொல்றீங்க. அதே நாங்க மறந்தா, you should concentrate on workனு சொல்றீங்க…?

8. ஆபிஸ் நேரத்துல நீங்க ஃபோன் பேசிட்டு இருந்தா மட்டும், அது ஏதோ தலை போற விஷயம் மாதிரி எடுத்துக்கறீங்க, அதே நாங்க பண்ணா வேலையை சரியா செய்ய மாட்றானு சொல்றீங்க…?

9. சாயந்திரம் 5 மணிக்கு நீங்க வீட்டுக்கு போறது தப்பில்லை, ஆனா அப்ப நாங்க ஒரு டீ குடிச்சிட்டு வர போனா மட்டும் ஏதோ கொலை குத்தம் செய்யற மாதிரி பாக்கறீங்க…?

10. காலைல வந்ததுல இருந்து ICICI Direct,gmail ,Geogit, Sharekhanனு செக் பண்ணிட்டு இருக்கீங்க. அதே நாங்க மதியம் சாப்பிட்டு வந்து மெயில் செக் பண்ணா மட்டும் Don’t use company resources for your personal workனு சொல்றீங்க…?

ஏன் சார் ஏன்….

இத்த தான்…

திருக்குறள்ள

யாதெனின் யாதெனின் நீங்கியான் நோதல்

அதனின் அதனின் இலன்…

ஆப்பீசுக்கு போனா ஆணிபுடுங்காம சும்மா இருப்பதே சுகம்னு வள்ளுவர் எப்பவோ எழுதிவச்சுட்டாரு.

இந்த டேமேஜர்களுக்குத்தான் இது தெரிய மாட்டேங்குது.....

இத நான் எழுதலிங்க...... நண்பர்கள் எழுதியது எனது மெயிலுக்கு பார்வேடு ஆகி இருந்தது

என்னாலயும் மேனேஜர்கிட்ட கேட்க முடியல.... அவர் எனது பதிவை படிப்பார்னு தெரியும்

இப்படியாவது அவருக்கு சொல்லலாம்னு தான்........

நீங்களும் உங்க மேனேஜர்க்கு பார்வேடு பண்ணுங்க.......

The 'Corporate' language !! - Very Funny

The 'Corporate' language !!


'We will do it'
means
'You will do it'


'You have done a great job'
means
'More work to be given to you'


'We are working on it'
means
'We have not yet started working on the same'


'Tomorrow, first thing in the morning'
means
'Its not getting done...
At least not tomorrow !'.


'After discussion we will decide -
I am very open to views'
means
'I have already decided, I will tell you what to do'


'There was a slight miscommunication'
means
'We had actually lied'


'Lets call a meeting and discuss'
means
'I have no time now, will talk later'


'We can always do it'
means
'We actually cannot do the same on time'


'We are on the right track but there needs
to be a slight extension of the deadline'
means
'The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.'


'We had slight differences of opinion'
means
'We had actually fought'


'Make a list of the work that you do and
 let's see how I can help you'
means
'Anyway you have to find a way out, no help from me'


'You should have told me earlier'
means
'Well even if you told me earlier that
would have made hardly any difference!'


'We need to find out the real reason'
means
'Well I will tell you where your fault is'


'Well.... family is important, your leave is always
granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected'
means
'Well you know...'


'We are a team'
means
'I am not the only one to be blamed'


'That's actually a good question'
means
'I do not know anything about it'
. . . . .
AND FINALLY, THE BEST OF ALL...
.
.
.
.
..

.
.
.
.
.
.
 
.

'All the Best'
means
' You are in trouble'

Communication Skill - Keep Smiling......

வலை பக்கங்களில் இருந்து........
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary:

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome things mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

Dear Marian
I know you have been working very hard. Nowadays, nothing much has changed. You must have noticed that our company is not doing noticeably well as yet.
Now the newspaper are saying the world`s leading economists are not sure if the United States may go into another recession. After the November presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have nothing more to add now. You know what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

One Minute story......

One smart Software engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards Pune in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandma. With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our Software engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark. Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that,” The Guy is a rogue; how dare he? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy.”PM thought that,” I can’t believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake”

That girl thought that,” I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grandma

has slapped him”.

Finally, the Software engineer thought?

“This one minute in my life is wonderful, it hardly comes…because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM.”

Project Manager Storyy..................

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand  the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many  people like weight-lifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a  tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the ! crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and
asked the little man, 

 

"What do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

"No," replied the man.

"I work as a project manager in a software company !! "

Perfect Employee ?@#!@$#!

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Note :

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

-Boss

---- I read  this  one in  book, and here for all.....

Always allow Boss to speak first........ - A Story.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss
are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."



MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
"ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"